Down By The River

“I sat there and forgot and forgot, until what remained was the river that went by and I who watched… Eventually the watcher joined the river, and there was only one of us. I believe it was the river.”

― Norman Maclean, A River Runs Through it and Other Stories

Rivers have a way of sparking my imagination. I wonder about their source; their beginnings. I wonder about where they go and what they take on their journey. And, as a fisherman, I wonder about what life teems beneath the surface; in its pools, riffles, and runs. I find something deeply spiritual about rivers. They stir something deep within my own spirit. They have a way of drawing me closer to God, our creator.

The other day I was engaging in a practice known as Ignatian prayer. It’s a form of prayer practiced by St. Ignatius of Loyola in which you read a Gospel narrative in such a way that it immerses you in the text. You’re invited to imagine what you see, smell, taste, feel, and hear. You then imagine who you are or where you are in the story. It can be a powerful way to be present to and hear from Jesus what he wants you to know. It was for me this day.

The text I prayed was Matthew 3:13-17, the baptism of Jesus. I read the text of Jesus approaching his cousin, John the Baptist, at the Jordan River. As I entered the text using my five senses imaginatively, I first noticed the warm spring breeze on my face. I felt the cool waters of the Jordan surrounding my legs chilling my dusty, hot feet. I heard the movement of the wind through the trees and brush lining the banks of the Jordan. I heard the ripples of the water as it spilled over the rocks and stones. I saw the wispy clouds in the azure blue sky. And then I saw him: Jesus coming towards me in the water. And he was looking straight at me with a smile on his face. A smile of recognition and reunion of two friends separated by time and distance. And in my prayer, it dawned on me that I had taken on the role of John the Baptist.

He had come to me to be baptized… by me! Me in all my broken human frailty. Me in all my doubts and fears. Me, this broken jar of clay. I found myself deeply connecting with John’s thoughts, “why do you come to me to be baptized? It is I who need to be baptized by you!” Jesus smiles and says to me, “let it be like this because it is right.” Wow.

As I meditated on my experience with this prayer time, I had a deeply moving insight for me. In my calling as a pastor I am called on daily to mediate God’s grace, God’s relentless, pursuing love, to the different people with whom I interact. I largely have been doing this as a means to serve others in Jesus’s name. I now see it in a profoundly nuanced way. That as I minister to others, I am ministering to Jesus himself. It’s more than just caring for people because we all bear within us the Imagio Dei; the image of God. I now sense that in caring for others I am truly caring for Jesus. I am mindful of Jesus’s words in Matthew 25 where he says that, “as much as you have done it to one of the least of these you have done it unto me.” I have no more words, except another quote from Norman Maclean.

“Eventually, all things merge into one, and a river runs through it. The river was cut by the world’s great flood and runs over rocks from the basement of time. On some of the rocks are timeless raindrops. Under the rocks are the words, and some of the words are theirs… I am haunted by waters.”

D~

 

From Year to Year

One year has passed. One decade has passed. And what has been the dominant theme through it all? Change. Someone once said that the only constant in life is change. If it’s not true, it certainly feels true. At least for me. Some changes were forced on me while others were of my own choice. In keeping with my new focus on being more grateful I’ll highlight the changes for which I’m thankful and seeing how the most dramatic have happened over the past year, that’s where I’ll start.

The most dramatic changes have come from pursuing a healthier life through weight loss surgery and the accompanying lifestyle changes that came with it. Over the last 18 months I have lost 60 pounds prior to surgery, and over 120 after surgery. My energy is so much better, my need for many prescription medications has either been greatly reduced or completely eliminated. And while I didn’t start this journey with the intent to change my appearance, that has certainly happened. Many people no longer recognize me who haven’t seen me in a few months or longer. And for the first time in my life my appearance is getting me positive attention instead of negative. Several people remarked that “I have my life back.” My response is that now I have a life I never had.

What has really taken me by surprise is the changes that have happened internally. I’ve become more grateful for so many things; even things that I used to complain about. I have found that even in the hard things there are lessons to be learned, and invitations from God to lean into him more; to trust that God is continuing to form me into the person God wants me to be. And in response to a previous post I believe God is inviting me into a deeper spiritual walk in which I must learn to listen, trust, and follow where God is leading, even when the direction is uncertain. To that end I plan on incorporating several practices into my life to strengthen my journey.

I plan on taking a solitude retreat day once a month. I have found so much peace in being in nature and listening to God. It has been amazing to respond to God’s invitation to “come way and listen.” And along with this practice I plan on practicing centering prayer 5 days out of 7. There are so many distractions vying for my attention that I find these practices life-giving in helping me be more attentive to God’s presence in my life.

I am also planning on being more consistent in my physical activity. I plan to do something active 5 days out of 7. I have been walking and adding sections where I jog. I have also been strength training using a home gym I bought a couple of months ago. And I’ve recently started doing body weight exercises to improve strength and functionality. All this so I can engage in the kind of activities I love: fly-fishing, mountain biking, hiking and so forth. Things that my weight prevented me from being able to do.

I want to be more intentional as I live the next years of my life. I want to be more loving, more kind, more generous, more grateful, and more and more like Jesus.

D~